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The Gentle Art of Saying No

by Shelley Murphy (follow)
Shelley Murphy Counsellor & Psychotherapist Masters of Counselling & Psychotherapy UofA Member of the ACA College of Supervisors Level 3 Member Australian Counselling Association Email: Counsellor@outlook.com.au Web: AdelaideAnxietyTherapy.com https:/ www.facebook.com/ShelleyMurphyCounselling/ @GrowinEsteem
Assertiveness (4)      Communication (4)      Personal Boundaries (2)      Respect (2)      Self Respect (1)      Quality Of Life (1)      Personal Empowerment (1)     

Photo by Kari Shea on Unsplash
Unsplash, Kari Shea

Many of us get ourselves into all sorts of situations because we have no idea how to say no. For some even if a No is given they are easily persuaded out of their response.

Saying No is an art and when you have learnt how to exercise your No you will find it opens the door to all sorts of possibilities.

The door to self esteem and the door to improved relationships with self and others.

Saying No is a skill and it is not as hard to do as we think.

Photo by Isaiah Rustad on Unsplash
Unsplash, Isaiah Rustad

These thoughts are not facts!
• It is hard to say NO, that just isn’t so!
• Saying NO is rude or aggressive
• Saying NO is unkind, uncaring and selfish
• Saying NO will hurt and upset others
• If I say NO, nobody will love me
• My needs don’t matter
• I should always try and please others

These are facts
• People have the right to ask, and I have the right to refuse
• Saying No is saying no to the request, if isn’t rejection of the person asking
• When we say Yes to something that means we are saying no to something else
• If we express our thoughts, feelings and beliefs openly and honestly it allows others to do the same

What other beliefs do you hold about NO and how are they unhelpful?

Photo by Alan Mersom on Unsplash
Unsplash, Alan Mersom

Now to the good stuff, now we are going to learn to say that magic, all empowering, self confidence building, boundary setting word – NO

All you have to do is …
• Be honest, be straight forward
• Be polite – ‘thank you for asking….’
• Keep it brief, don’t start waffling
• Don’t be abrupt, speak with warmth and don’t rush
• It is your right to say NO if you don’t want to do something, don’t get caught up in long-winded apology filled explanations
• Saying NO to others when you cant/don’t want to do something is saying YES to you. When you respect yourself in this way you wont build up bitterness and resentment
• Take responsibility , don’t shift the blame to others or make lame excuses change the ‘I can’t’ to ‘I don’t want to’

How many ways can a Giraffe say NO?

• if you don’t want to do it, just say ‘no’. No apology, the other person has the problem and you don’t have to allow them to pass the parcel to you. Quite forceful and works really well on door to door salesman
• Acknowledge the content and feeling in the request then add the assertive refusal at the end
‘I know you were looking forward to going to the movies today but I can’t come’
• Give a brief and genuine reason for why you are saying no
‘I can’t go for a drive today because I have no petrol’
• Say no to the here and now request but leave the door open for saying yes in the future.
‘ I can’t go to the movies with you today, but I could make it some time next week’
• A definite no, in a way which helps you find out if there is an alternative.
‘Is there any other time you would like to go to the movies?’
• Particularly good for persistent requests is the broken record
Bill : No, I can’t go to the movies
Bob: Please, just this once
Bill: No, I can’t go to the movies
Bob: Come on , I will pay
Bill: No, I can’t go to the movies

The power of the No is only limited by you.

#Personal Boundaries
#Self Respect
#Quality Of Life
#Personal Empowerment
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